On Motherhood
I now know I have something beautiful to give her.
Hey Family!
I’ve been thinking a lot about motherhood lately. What it means to mother. To parent. In my single days, I wasn’t someone who adamantly said she didn’t want children, despite having many friends who did and are living fabulous, whole lives as rich and not-so-rich aunties. Lol For me, well…I began actively trying when hubby and I got married. BUT when we did get pregnant with our rainbow baby and finally made it as far as the 20-week ultrasound where we were told “It’s a girl!” I was completely overtaken with anxiety. I mean, stunned into silence. My response was so troubling that the ultrasound tech said, “Umm, are you okay? Are you happy about the news?”
I was.
And/also I was scared for so many reasons. The first question to come to mind was, “How do I protect her?” I now know that this was a trauma response but back then, I was just consumed with trying to figure out how I will keep my baby girl safe. See, because of my own lived experience, I knew that little Black girls were often shredded, or worse, devoured by this world. That terrified me. My experience as a survivor of sexual abuse and my many years dealing with misogyny in all its forms…well, all of that just fueled my fears.
After some years and lots of tears though, the sinking feeling that would come when I consciously thought about raising my sweet girl in this world shifted some. The truth was, no, maybe I wasn’t protected the way I should have been as a child. But guess what? That doesn’t have to be my daughter’s story. Yes, I carry the weight of all those parts of me that were harmed and remain afraid, but I am also the one “driving the bus,” as my therapist says. When fear stands up, demanding to be seen and heard, I can calmly tell her that I got this and she can chill.
You know what the real beauty of it all is? In the last twelve years, I feel like my daughter has been on the healing journey with me. In fact, I am intentional about approaching my parenting that way. When I learn a new breathing meditation, I teach it to her. When I struggle with emotional regulation, I tell her that and try to model the techniques that bring me back from the edge. Listen, baby girl been doing downward dogs since she could get her little chunky legs to hold herself up. 🤣 No, she’s not quite at the age where I can share the harder parts of my story with her, but I will when it’s time.
I suppose I’m sharing this with you because, whether you are a parent or not, somebody is watching you. I know, for me, so much of my commitment to healing has to do with knowing that my little girl is watching; that essentially my healing is hers. And yoooo, I ain’t no parenting guru or influencer either. Whet?! I fail at this thing so much. I really do. But I also know that what I don’t get “right” is MADE right by what I give her in the way of the tools and resources and knowledge that is helping me. It will hopefully help her deal with all the challenging circumstances and people she’ll come across in this life. Even and especially when one of those people is Mama. :)
Love y’all!
Tracey
The Black Joy Playlist on Spotify
Did y’all know that when the book dropped in 2022, I created a fantastic Black Joy playlist? You should check it out.